Saturday, June 25, 2011

A Lesson from a Rapper

I like to listen to upbeat music when I am working out - so I indulge in the often stereotypical, degradative lyrics of rap and hip hop music. When thinking about insightful song lyrics, rap and hip hop are not usually the genre that comes to mind. But I was listening to a new song by Mr. Puff, who goes by P. Diddy, but whose actual name is Sean Combs. He says, What am I 'posed to do when the club lights come on / Its easy to be Puff, its harder to be Sean  And the song goes on to be personally triumphant with Puffy man claiming in an interview that it's about "trying to find your way back to that person who your grandmother or father wanted you to be".  "Coming Home" has been named a redemptive ballad with personal lyrics that parallel struggles in his life including being a less than exemplary father, fearing commitment, and otherwise making mistakes, and faring losses.
I tell this background to make these lines relevant, but the crux of this post stems from the lines above that I plucked from the song about how its easier to do our "job", to put our face on and do what comes easily, or to do what is expected of us in a role - isn't that easier? Easier to do than to step out of our comfort zone, step up to a challenge even if were not ready, unprepared, or even unenthusiastic about it. The big job that this describes is being a parent. It is estimated that half of pregnancies in the US are unplanned. So it is safe to say, many of us are not ready. And I can safely assume from other statistics that many are unenthusiastic. I could go on and on about how that is wrong and upsetting, but the point of my reflection on this song is that yes, it is easier to do our job, leave our home and perform in the confines of our job description and then check out and leave. But when you are a parent, the "club lights" are always on. And it is more important to be our own Seans than to be a Puff. It was hard for me to instantly turn into a Sean, with no practice. I could go on as Puff forever. But the hardest things are often the most important and the challenging things often render growth. Puffing is easy once you become a parent because parenting is hard - I guess the goal is to be your best self in all roles, but the Sean should not be neglected or abandoned at the cost of the Puff.
Kudos to Sean for bringing his Sean to his Puff in this song (which is upbeat and enjoyable :) and I hope for his sake he continues coming home to the person he, judging by his many many accomplishments, is beyond capable of being. For the reward of being a parent is beyond any paycheck, public notoriety, or ego boost. It is the ultimate reward devoid of material boasting, it is the ultimate immortalization of everything good that you can give.

If the gut works...

As a dietitian, we have a mantra "if the gut works, use it". This is particular to a patient who may have been intubated (breathing tube in the mouth), or had been in the hospital without food for a few days - when re-initiating feeding these patients, it is always best to use our natural digestive system. If the mouth is out of commission, put a tube in the nose or stomach and use that gut! Use the gut rather than feed through the veins, to put it simply.
However, this mantra is paramount in other situations besides nutrition in the critically ill. We get a gut feeling about things and it should be listened to without needing explanation. I toured a facility that offers a very flexible summer camp - the facility also functions as a reputable preschool in the area - and I have gotten nothing but good reviews about it from other parents and educators.
I sat in on a class there and viewed the whole place. The class was managed well, nicely sized and stimulating for the kids. But for some reason when I went out side where the kids would be playing in the summer, something didn't sit right. Most places will have some sort of water, mostly a sprinkler on site. This school had a sprinkler and they had a pool that was very shallow and covered. I think that did it for me. I envisioned pure fun for the kids and they have clearly been executing this summer camp for years with out a hitch that I knew of, but it wasn't going to slide for me. I guess I am not comfortable with a complete stranger having that comfort level with my girl's body - changing in swim suits - I didn't ask about the procedure of that, male or female, and I don't know if the staff is new or temporary over the summer, but I am guessing some staff may be. So - less stringent with selecting staff, less clothing on little vulnerable people, more kids to keep safe and that chaos to hide behind.... it didn't sit right, and that was the end of that.

We tend to rationalize things - I could go through a slew of reasons why I am being hypersensitive or paranoid and give the strangers the benefit of the doubt. But I believe sometimes, our initial "gut" reaction does not need any explanation, and will be best put to use without any explanation. It is pure, God-given intuition that far too often gets pushed aside.
If the gut works, use it!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Holidays

It's funny how things that were once exciting turn into obligations – things that we once looked forward to, we now just want to “get through”. I don’t know how this creeps up on you, but I believe the evolution springs from complications – the fact that things get more complicated and with this, events feel like a chore more than a holiday. I guess the Jehovah’s Witness spare themselves a lot of frustration by not honoring all these holidays and occasions. But they say that it's beneficial for mental well being to have things to look forward to, and for me that is what these occasions are, birthdays, major and minor holidays, and other get togethers. I look forward to them with childlike excitement, the problem is that I am not the child anymore, and I am the one who has to cook, travel, decorate, choose the side of the family that gets our presence this time, and all this logistical junk puts a damper on the child-like part. Now it’s a subdued adult-like excitement mixed with hope for child-like occasions mixed with the God given forgetfulness of that which sucked last time. Kind of like child birth – boy that is something, but somehow, as traumatic as it is, it doesn’t seem to deter you from having another one. And as traumatic as the elusive fourth trimester is, still this, doesn’t deter you from getting excited about the next one. So thank you God for the forgiving memory bank that we possess, that carries us through the next occasion, the next less than fulfilling holiday and the next beautifully painful birth.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Quiet Love

I find that it is mostly the quiet moments in my children that blow me away. An oxymoron possibly, but a consistent realization for me. My Gabby may be silent for a moment of concentration coloring an elephant and I capture the profile of her face, the quiet curves of her lips and I am mesmerized. When a peaceful furrow takes over my son's brow as he diligently puts together a puzzle, I am in awe.
I think the awe is there all the time, but it can't rise to the surface all the time because life is occurring and the constant barrage of needs and wants infiltrate my minutes. But its when that tide ceases, for the brief moments that it does, that proud, humble, fascinated love abounds from my for my little creatures.
Once again, the beauty of a sleeping child is without words, but so understandable!
I love you two little things - all the time, but so tangible so when I am watching you be little people.

Purple Balloons

Be proud  - I told my kids about cancer :)
I used a walk for the American Cancer Society that we are doing this friday as a topic starter and the car ride as the setting and I think it went well. After my short talk was done, I asked her what she got from what I just said to her, and she told me "purple balloons". Well, this response was reminiscent of the Mary conversation but I was sure that something else had to have sunk in. So after prompting "anything else?" I got these series of answers:
"raise money"
"to help people feel better"
"for medicine"
And when I asked her for what disease we were doing that all for, she did blank out - kind of like the Freudian blank out of adults, but quite unintentional and consistent with any new word thrown at a 5 year old.
But hey, purple balloons to raise money to make people feel better...I think that covers it simply well!

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Beauty is its own excuse for being

Sometimes I wonder what the point of this blog is. When blogging, some people realize they are good writers and write a book - some people have an intriguing subject and gain alot of followers..... and probably write a book too. Some people use it to make an income - with advertising and self-promotion. Well, I fall into none and neither of these categories because I have no followers besides my sweetest mother :) (Just kidding, there is my sweetest husband a couple friends) and I make no money from it and I don't want to write a book because I don't know what to write about and it will take too long. My blog is not subject specific - I don't write about cancer only, kids only, nutrition only, or doctor's-wife-life only, or food only... These are the most effective blogs - but you know what? I don't want to. Life is varied and my brain flows with life and it is varied as well. This is not my job, this is my hobby and I write because I like to - I find humor in life and I reflect on life and that is what I write about. And because of this, it may be that the only people who are interested in this blog of my speaking fingers is people who know me...
and that is ok!

There is a poem called Rhodora by Ralph Waldo Emerson. And anytime I think about something that has no purpose but to exist for its own sake of existing, I think of this poem. Why do I buy flowers for my home? Because they are pretty. What is the purpose of these things? No purpose but for me to walk by them and say, "they are pretty." This blog serves little purpose but to be a blog - to entertain a few and to make me mindful. Enjoy!

Rhodora

In May winds pierced our solitudes,
I found the fresh Rhodora in the woods,
Spreading its leafless blooms in a damp nook,
To please the desert and the sluggish brook.
The purple petals fallen in the pool
Made the black water with their beauty gay;
Here might the red-bird come his plumes to cool,
And court the flower that cheapens his array.
Rhodora! if the sages ask thee why
This charm is wasted on the earth and sky,
Tell them, dear, that, if eyes were made for seeing,
Then beauty is its own excuse for Being;
Why thou wert there, O rival of the rose!
I never thought to ask; I never knew;
But in my simple ignorance suppose
The self-same power that brought me there, brought you.


Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, June 3, 2011

My Radio Revalation

I was driving this morning and listening to my Sirius/XM radio to Doctor Radio which is a show that has various doctors host segments of their specialty - oncology, pediatrics, psychology, etc. And the segment that was on as I was driving Gabriella to school and continuing on my ride back home was a show about kids hosted by psychologists who work with kids and families to achieve emotional well being when a parent has cancer or another chronic illness. Right up my alley! All hosts encourage their listeners to call in and share anything or ask questions pertinent to the topic (some sort of super nurturing breed of very welcoming doctors, they are). So I was all alone in my car on the way to the supermarket and I called in. I asked them if I should tell my kids at 3 and 5 years of age that their father has cancer, even though nothing acute and traumatic is occurring with it at the time. I guess Tom's and my take on the topic has been to not broadcast this cancer thing- and further on my own perspective: I think this because if nothing of note is happening right now, I don't need to broach the subject with these two immature minds that I have. (Especially after my Mother Mary situation which enlightened me to my shortcoming in age appropriate explanations)

So all three docs on the line told me yes, I should tell them and explained to me different resources, approaches and reasons as to why it is a good idea. Some of what I remember is that -we underestimate youth's ability to cope with things, and if we tell them now they will have the knowledge in their bank when it it comes up in the future. She equated it to a parent having diabetes - you would tell the child because it is a part of their life, they'll take medicine daily and make dietary choices because of their disease. In the same respect for us, if daddy goes for a test, it is because he needs to, it is part of his life. I recently watched a TV special on sexual behaviours in youth, and the research shows that the more information a kid has and the younger the kid is that hears it all, the less likely they will be to engage in teen sex. I am taking a similar conclusion from what these experts said - maybe, the more information my kids have about cancer, the better equipped they will be to deal with it emotionally if they need to.


We adults fear and dread the big CA, but kids don't because they haven't seen what it can do yet - the stigma isn't there in a conversation about cancer unless a parent injects their turmoil into their words and tone. If I am able to have a non-emotional conversation with them about how papa has cancer, I think they can come away from it in good standing. The doc also mentioned that if years from now, papa relapses and the kids have more advanced critical thinking skills that they gain with age, they may wonder and feel left out at the fact that no one has ever told them all this time. I also hypothesized that if they have this knowledge in their arsenal for a couple years, it may lessen the likelihood of them blaming it on themselves, as children seem to do with any tragedy, it's my fault. Because they know it has been around for a while, really before they were born, they may deduce that it can't possibly be their fault. I believe that the very kind and knowledgeable woman I was speaking with on the air is Dr. Paula Rauch who wrote a book called Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child When a Parent is Sick, and she directs a center out of Harvard called PACT- Parenting at a Challenging Time- who knew there were so many resources for this situation!

I guess life shouldn't be a secret and there are lots of different "normals" in people's lives - we have a life with Cancer playing a big role and it should be out in the open to teach our kids that nothing is un-talk-about-able (as they said on the radio). Dr. Rauch (I believe) also said that her mantra is "no one should worry alone".

So wish me luck!- one, that I will convey this with an even tone void of pain or fright, and two, that I will start and end this at the kindergarten level. (which one of those is harder??)

The big house

We thought we wanted to move to Louisiana, and it was seeming as if it would all work out, so we chose to rent that big beautiful house. I was the maiden of this house, in a surreally, simple way for a month while I dragged the kids all over a 50 mile radius of northern Louisiana to buy furniture and furnishings. I tell you, a big house is fabulously manageable with sparse interior contents. And life seems so easy when you don't get any mail.
Then there was a setback with Tom's contract and it made us step back and really consider everything. And it turned out that we could not afford to keep renting that big beautiful house in this time of limbo and no steady work. So we returned this house to its owner who claims to want to stay in it and never leave it again. The breeze from our door closing opened up his window.
This house is bittersweet. Well, mostly bitter - it was a structure of hope, something that we can enjoy as if our own, with luxuries that we do not own here in NY- a play room for the kids, a swingset in the backyard, a steam shower... Our house in NY is beautiful as well, but this one was much bigger and quite fine, and it gave us something to look forward to and be excited about amidst a stressful and risky move.
So my internship as an interior decorator, secretary, full time stay at home mom without a drop of support, (and the usual housekeeper, cook, etc.) is over.
If we do go to Louisiana afterall, we'll have to find another house to rent.
Bye, bye big house of hope, back to reality.