Sunday, November 7, 2010

NY vs. LA

My husband has been travelling back and forth to Louisiana and here every other week. I have gotten used to not having him around, which I am convinced is not a necessary skill to learn while one is still married. Why? Because it allows you to believe you don't need that person, and that you will be OK without them. We should need each other as much as we can when we are together, there is no sense to ration what we have at our fingertips, emotionally and otherwise. I am a person who was raised to be independent and self sufficient, but the thought that that will be a required skill in the future is altogether comforting and painful.
Aside from this reflection, we may move to Louisiana sometime within the next year and Tom can start working there full time. I am ok with moving - it is a multi faceted decision that seems beneficial for the team.
I have fond memories of living in Louisiana because we were a close team, a strong team, and somehow people seem nicer down there and the gentle energy spreads. Where as in New York, you have to seek out peaceful people because they are hard to find. I think that energy gets under your skin. The skin that is covered up in a million layers of clothing in the four bitterly chilly months of a New York winter. For me, it is easier to deal with thick heat that feels like you are standing in the exhaust stream and radiator output of a big bus, than the freezing, dry, bone-chilling cold of the winters here. Either choice, you get 4 months of uncomfortable temps and environment. There has to be less seasonal affective disorder down there, luckily I don't suffer from it, but the grump and deterrence to go outside does prevail for me.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Purchased Toys vs. Dreamed up Toys




Here are two images, that for a child, yield the same enjoyment. One is dreamed up by my make-shift, crafty mother. The other was purchased as a gift for my children by another good mother, my sister-in-law. I remember seeing the bunch of jars and spoons and thought how my kids can enjoy the simple games created without money, a bit of time and an out-of-the box imagination. I am not that kid-inclined, but I do have my moments :) But aside from this, I have reaped hours and hours of enjoyment sitting in the sun reading a book as my kids played next to me on the water table I had on our deck. This was an activity we did every summer weekend, and I got my vitamin D and they got to play with water together - what is better!?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I'm Sorry

So I have mentioned my dear friend Astoria. As is customary for me, I disclose nearly everything to her, and she claims to have told me more than anyone as well. In a recent chit chat we were having I told her that she is not very accessible. I have tried to call her at home and she never picks up the phone. I have no cell phone for her, no email address and no invitation for anything ever outside of work. I envisioned her as being very busy with family and maybe in an unhappy place and I don't want to impose upon anyone what they may not be in the mood for. I also have a history of being poor at this friendship stuff and not giving enough of me into a friendship. So maybe this distance is easy for me. But I did tell her that she is not very available and she told me that she was scared to get too close to me because she fears I will be leaving this job or moving. She said she loves me dearly but doesn't want to become too attached to me. I feel a bit offended that she is refraining from befriending me completely because of the possibility that I may go somewhere. Does that mean she'll drop me if I move and never call? To that she said she doesn't do long distance relationships well. What about 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all'. She doesn't believe that? Either way she acknowledged her behavior. My problem is that when I tell people stuff it means I gave a piece of myself to someone. So Astoria is taking all my pieces and has no intention of keeping a connection with its bearer. She will never mistreat my pieces but I want to be a good friend to her as well and I don't know that I am. Maybe for her it is just easier not to invest so much into a friendship or relationship. We are scared, fractured people and I would tend to think that with all I know about her, there is more to it than that.
I watched Love Story last nite with Tom - the movie with the famous line "Love means never having to say your sorry". When I first heard this line I thought it was quite phenomenal, but I was young. And I was too young to know what love was all about. I remember an English class in Jr High School or High School where the teacher was asking about what love is. (Why she wold be asking that to a bunch of young kids, I don't know) But I thought I was quite astute and raised my hand to say that "love means never having to say your sorry". The teacher laughed at me while quickly dismissing the possibility that anyone would be led to believe that I came up with that myself announcing that it is from a movie. She said that was not realistic to say that people who love one another don't ever have to say they are sorry. OK. So I get that. And when I watched Love Story last nite, my impression was that it seemed kind of corny. When I think about my relationships, I would not necessarily dismiss an "I'm sorry" by an assumption or deep assured knowledge that they are, of course sorry. I think I would like to hear a 'sorry', and I think we should all be saying more 'sorrys' than we do!
But when I think about Astoria, and how she puts a wall up in terms of our friendship, I do know she is sorry, and she never, ever has to say it. When I think of this situation, I understand completely how love means never having to say she's sorry. With others, its nice to know they feel some remorse for being stupid and this can be felt when someone says sorry. But Astoria doesn't need to feel remorse for something I understand, despite it being stupid.
So I don't know what this difference means, I know all relationships are different - friend, spouse, family, children... and they all require different management methods depending upon what they are based on for you. Maybe it's our own issues or expectations we are putting into these relationships and if we had no baggage or expectations, we would never need to hear 'I'm sorry'.

Job

As I was reading back over some of my posts, I realized I hadn't followed up on the issue with my job and my contract there. I know that you three readers that I have are sitting on the edge of your three seats but I'll let you know that last week they extended our contract for another year, so I am safe until October 2011. (Just kidding about the three readers... but I'm probably not that far off) I have read other people's blogs, but I can't say that I am a repeat reader, so I can't imagine that someone who doesn't know me that well is giving this page too much attention. But I suppose it is like a journal, and if my biggest scroller is me reading over my blog for type-os, well I appreciate it and it is enjoyable editing for me!

Love Run


My little boy doesn't realize how he fills me with bliss each day. When I pick him up from day care he comes running to me calling "mommy" with a huge smile on his face. Ever since he could walk, he has been running to me, never fail. As soon as he locks his eyes on mine and it registers that that person who walked through the door is in fact his mommy, he is instantly happy and running. It doesn't matter what I look like, what I smell like or what mood I'm in, I am his mommy and he loves me. Gabriella loves me too, but she has quit running to me long ago. If I get an excited run there is something behind it like competition with Marco, jealousy of my smile to Marco's love run or because she sees one of her friends run to their mother. Gabby loves me, but if something better is around, she is more interested in that. Maybe that means she is totally secure in me that she knows I will always be there for her when she is ready for me - you like how I can twist that around? I know this love run wont last forever, and I probably only have less than one year of it left with Marco, but I will enjoy every minute of it while I can. It is still a funny, wobbly run with legs swinging out a bit - it is the irresistible cute baby run that also disappears with the baby attachment. I love it all and it brings me infinite joy - maybe it's the consistency of it - I am guaranteed one child that is happy to see me when I return. With Gabby you never know what you are going to get - the I don't want to go home and stop playing whine, the jealous love, or the I'm so tired I can't follow directions child. She is difficult and Marco is consistant. But nevertheless, I love them both with equal devotion and intensity but this love is delivered in the different ways in which it is required.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Cancer

Every so often, Tom remarks how he is sick of this cancer thing. Recently we realized that he has been dealing with cancer for 10 years. Ten years of cancer. Cancer sucks, and I am sorry that it happens. My advice? You can’t control all the factors that lead to the development of cancer but those that you can, you should. I am not a perfect person and I don’t do everything in the best way, we can all try to do something better than we are doing now. Second, be a good friend, a good sister/brother/daughter, etc to anyone who has to beat down the demon. Cancer has lasting effects – physical and psychological. Don’t forget about your friend or relative when the treatment is over. If you don’t know what to say to someone, say what you feel, what is in your heart. If that is nothing besides, “Geez. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you have to go through this. What can I do to help?” deliver it genuinely. Third, donate to a cause, show support, give blood, give something… hold someone’s hand. I believe it is so important to be a kind person. You never know when you will need someone to be kind to you and if you are kind to a stranger, you build faith in humanity and maybe it will spread. (And selfishly, it feels very nice to be nice). We each have a profound effect on each other, our attitude and actions have effects on others, undoubtedly. Like the Buddhists believe in this karma, I agree our actions have a bit of a ripple effect on each other.
People appreciate simple things; people appreciate your full attention. Tom stomps on the flowers and I stop to smell them. Everyone deals with this cancer thing differently, I guess you can try to read them and be there how they need you, but I have to believe that kind words, prayers, and helpfulness have to be appreciated by most people. And I guess I wouldn’t think of this, but for my husband he seems to greatly appreciate what people do for me rather than him. Me as the wife of the cancer victim. Me as the mother caring for the young children that we share. So I bet this is true of others dealing with cancer – if you support their family, they feel supported. From my estimation, this probably has two parts for Tom – one is that there isn’t much sometimes that you can give or do for the person dealing with cancer and the treatment – they have to go through the motions and take the drugs and you can’t do that for them. Second is that he wants to feel that if he cant win this battle, then his family is going to be ok and when he sees the support of loved ones, he can be comfortable knowing that we will be ok. A painful subject to broach, but I’ll bet you that anyone who hears that damn diagnosis, these things pass through their heads and for my dear love, he has heard it 4 times now.
We all have room for improvement as humans – and I guess this is important because if you end up with a demon to fight you will know that you lived well and have little you would wish to have done differently if you are forced with the possibility of checking out of here earlier than you want.
Here is my mind on paper this morning as the demon is always around for us. Right now he is sleeping. Sleep tight demon, and never wake up…
Ten years is enough.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My dear friend

As I mentioned earlier, my dear friend Astoria's mama wasn't doing well. Now I can say that she is finally at peace and has been put to rest. The end of her mother's life was tortured and painful and now that is over, but Astoria is a mess. I think she kept far too much bottled up and now it's all plowing out. So once again, pray for a wonderful person who is going through a very hard time.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

You brighten my life


I always find it interesting how we interact with people every day and we barely know them at all. Additionally, I have two children and this is a major part of my life that the people I work with never see and may not even know about. It is nice as a mother to be know for something other than being a mother and cleaning and cooking. But in the end, mothering is my job and I value it more than anything else.
Which brings me to my utter excitement to meld my two worlds and bring my daughter to work with me last week. She hung out with me from about 8:30 to almost 3:30 when I left early after I could see she was getting tired. I loved having her there with me and she brightened my day, my co-worker's day and the resident's day. The recreation department had a "children's fashion show / staff talent show" and that was my excuse to bring her in. As far as the fashion show, her and I just walked down a row of wheelchairs while all the old ladies looked at us and clapped. That one short walk was enough for me, but Gabriella seemed to be getting into it and wanted to walk down again. She was excited to go to work with me and the girly-ness in her was excited about the fashion show. Although after our walk-down and we were watching the rest of the very simple, amateur "show" Gabby asked me, "mama where is the show"? and I told her "This is the show". I think she had grander expectations.
All in all, I had a great day with her and I loved being able to share a big part of my life with my friends at work and to show Gabriella where I go when I leave her all day. It meant alot to me, and it would be nice if bosses were in favor of taking children to work, or if there were more excuses for me to bring her again. (Marco is a bit too young and would have needed a nap in the middle of the day so he wouldn't work out, but I'd love to take him in a year or two as well).
I kept one of the paintings she made me when we were in one of my meetings and taped a picture of her to it and stuck it on the wall of my office. I wrote on the paper, "You brighten my life".

Friday, July 9, 2010

I don't negotiate with terrorists or two-year-olds


I am on Facebook like millions of other people. I initially got emails requesting that I be friends with a couple people but I said no because I wasn't sure who they were. Then one day I got a request from a good friend of mine asking if I would be her friend. I thought, well of course I should be her friend, I am her friend. So that was friend number one and now I'm over 100 deep. Even after routinely deleting people, I have this many friends. And Facebook is so amicable in that it calls everyone your friend - whether you know them, like them or are just curious about them but could care less - they are still your "friend". As those ladies in the south would say, "Ain't that nice" with a marginal, southern smile.
So anyway, an acquaintance of mine who is my "friend" on facebook wrote a funny post that stuck in my head. "I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds". I found this disgustingly funny because you have a little child looking at you, nagging at you, asking for something that your better judgement tells you to say 'no'. You actually consider a 'yes' response to that little menace just because your mothering skills allow you to anticipate the reaction of the menace to your 'no' and you want to bypass that. But since I am such a stickler of a mother I say 'no' and listen to the madness ensue. I repeat in my head to myself, "I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds."
That meltdown is like a rattling that you can't seem to find the source of. Like the voice of a person you dislike who talks too much. Like having the TV on, the radio on and your kids talking to you about why they cant have a third bowl of ice cream. It's annoying. And for some reason, things that are annoying insult our brain from the inside out- and at all costs, we want it to stop. Being a parent requires perseverance to get through the jackhammer of infant crying and the rattling annoyance of toddler whining.
That is why we watch them when the sleep. And take pictures of them when they sleep. And reminisce of how they've grown and how sweet and wonderful they are. When those little sweet, soft lips are closed and their whole face is still it is so peaceful because all too familiar are the noises, the movement, and the energy of the day from start to finish. Culminated by the heightened craziness that comes on when little ones get tired.
So no, I don't negotiate with terrorists or two year olds and I do lose my mind sometimes and I do love to watch them sleep.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Update

So we continue with Tom being gone for a week (which is actually 8 days to allow for 7 full working days over there) and home for a week. I hold down the fort and it has been going OK. I don't have enough time to do everything I wan to do in a day, or that should be done everyday so I have to leave something out everyday. But I am quite productive in the remaining 3 hours of my waking day at home. I work out three or four mornings a week before work and it would be nice if it were more, but that is good enough considering. My kids play together nicely which allows me to do some other chores around them. It is really nice to have gotten to this point in my parenting journey that I don't have to be sitting right with them every second. Now i just have to be nearby using my second set of eyes and ears that seem to catch every room in the house- those fascinating sixth sensory skills you gain when you become a parent.
I still don't know what is happening with my job - the facility terminated the contract with the company that employees me which would leave me with no job (or a transfer) by October. Out district manager came to my facility and offered them some negotiations to the contract that would make a person think they'd be stupid not to re-sign with us. But I don't fully buy this optimism. We'll see what happens...
For my own sanity, I want to wait until after Tom's next PET/CT scan to see where he is at so we can think seriously about either moving to Louisiana again and figuring everything out with my job.
Tom thinks I should quit my job and COBRA the health insurance. Maybe his suggestion of this is indicative of his optimism and that he is feeling good. I am afraid to be too positive - id rather just wait and feel nothing until I know that I am free to feel one way or another. Everything seems to be OK right now though, in terms of another flare up of his disease - its a really nice thing! So for me personally, I don't want to quit anything until after this scan...

The kids are good - i think each time papa leaves it is a bit more disturbing, but only the first and second days - then things seem to melt back to normal. Other than that, they are happy, fabulous little wonders.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

My dear friend

At work, I have a very, very dear friend. She is perfectly flawed and impeccably challenged. Her son had a brain tumor about 5 years ago and sometime after her sharing that with me, I shared with her that my husband had cancer. I am quite tight-lipped about my personal life but I was easily able to share the details with her. So my dear friend Astoria knows more about me and what I feel than many others do. I think part of that is because I see her nearly everyday so each bump in my path, or sun on my shoulders she hears about because she is available and utterly trustworthy and infinitely empathetic.
When she wants to say something that she thinks she shouldn't, I can see on her face exactly what she wants to say. But instead of saying it outright, she asks me a question. Like if I am bitching about someone, instead of saying "boy Someone sure is an asshole" she ask me, "How do you feel when Someone does that? Does it make you angry" I suppose this is a wise strategy but I don't think she thinks of it that way- I think she probably doesn't want to say something that I may get mad at her for or she fears may offend me. Or maybe its because she really understands about how feelings fluctuate and scenarios change and Someones can be good and Someones can be bad all in the same Someone.
Astoria is a complicated person and she has had alot of unfortunate things happen to her.
Her mother is a resident on the dementia unit in the nursing home we work in. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia, at the age of 50 i think. It has declined rapidly and her mama cannot communicate nor recognize anyone. It is a terrible, terrible disease and knowing it from my work experience and more personally is why that book Still Alice touched me so much.
After you see how this terrible disease progresses and the burden it puts on family members who love the victim oftentimes you realize that living with end stage dementia is no way to live. She knows that better than anyone.
Her mama has been doing worse than usual this week and it is an erie feeling to think the end is near. Though she has said many times that death would finally bring comfort to her mom, it still has to be scary. To anyone who is reading this, please pray for what is best for my dear friend, and her family.

The Watch

When we were in Louisiana, Tom felt the node in his groin. A couple months after we moved down there and he started working, he felt the need to make an appointment with an oncologist there. After his appointment, the oncologist wanted to see if anything was going on so he ordered a PET/CT scan. After the scan, we stopped at the most wonderful mall in Houston near the medical center and walked around a bit before heading home. He saw some shoes in The Walking Co. store and he said he wanted to get them because they are supposed to be very comfortable - since he is standing and wearing a lead vest for much of the day, these would be great. He said he would hold off on getting them to wait and see what was going to happen, if he relapsed or not.

When we got engaged, Tom presented me with a beautiful ring. I, in turn, bought him a watch as an engagement gift. This is a tradition that I had no clue about but I guess some women will buy their fiancee an engagement gift, I suppose because a ring costs a lot of money and a nice gift for the man is appropriate. So I decided very easily upon a nice watch that I liked very much. When he got it he loved it as well, but he had some problems with the dial so he ended up taking it back and exchanging it for another watch. Since then, four years ago, he has always said that he would buy that watch again because he misses his "love watch".

So that day when we were home after this trip to the medical center, he made a comment again about that watch- that if everything is OK, he was going to buy it once and for all.

It truly pains me to recollect the feeling of this day because I was really doubtful that anything could be wrong. I thought he was a bit paranoid and I was inherently optimistic. We just moved across the country, Tom took his first job out of his training and after having Gabriella, I was 4 months pregnant with Marco. Of course this wouldn't happen now, how could it?
Needless to say, it did happen and that was the beginning of the next part of our journey on Life Parkway.

I ache that he didn't get that watch. And my attachment to that watch symbolizes health, marriage and his upbeat outlook. Each birthday, Christmas and Anniversary that has come since then has given me the idea over an over to re-buy this watch. But it is an expensive watch so it is not a necessary purchase, and I couldn't quite justify the expense.
Now I am working for the benefit of our team. Now Tom is working for the benefit of our team. And now, I bought that watch for his birthday next week. Yes I did. It is in the basement in its UPS box and I am going to take it out and wrap it up this week that Tom is away working and that watch will be back in our home again. I am not putting an inordinate amount of pressure on this watch to live up to its emotional value for me, but I sure do hope that its dial works this time.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Injustice


I bought myself the book Push, which is the book that the movie Precious was based upon. I figured that I would read the book because I had not see the movie and I know it is reviewed as being quite profound. Additionally, I loved the story of how Gabourey Sidibe was discovered - within 3 days she went from an average college student to staring in a soon-to-be hit film. At the time, she was participating in some small plays at the City University of New York school that I attended for my Masters.
This book is written in the vernacular as the main character would be speaking, and it is painful to read about this girls life, but unfortunately I'm sure there are one too many other girls living just this way right around us.

Sometimes I hear stories of personal belongings getting stolen from the patients and residents in the nursing home where I work, and I always wonder to myself how anyone could do such a thing. Like take the gold ring off of a confused 90 year old. Or take a bottle of perfume from their bedside drawer that was a birthday gift. Or take the gold necklace off of someone's neck while they were sleeping... yup this and more has all happened. I have worked in more than one nursing home and this stuff happens in all of them.

I was suppose to attend a community event in a very impoverished neighborhood in the Bronx to give information and speak about healthy eating and nutrition. Indirectly, my presence would be intended to represent and advertise the nursing home and the home care services, etc. in the community. I ended up telling my boss and the business development guy that I was not able to go. Several reasons went into this - we met with the head of the community center that was putting on this fair and they were a caring couple who's mission is to help this community in need and they have done quite a bit, but from my vantage point there are way too many issues for me to begin to make a dent in by talking about whole grains and broccoli. I can't begin to describe the number of untackled issues - it seems to make nutrition so trivial. Children raised by grandparents because their parents are dead, teens who are pregnant, morbidly obese diabetics with no health insurance, couples on welfare with 9 children, food markets with nothing but processed ding-dongs and fried chicken... it goes much deeper than my little intervention can do especially with the majority of my experience geared to patients with quite a bit of knowledge about wellness and healthy behaviors. It is in my soul to want to help people, but this community requires a huge time commitment and many groups in participation to make some changes - I felt ill-equipped to serve them alone. Additionally, I have my own case load of assessments and consults to deal with at work and it would cost me quite a bit to take a large chunk of my day to go out into the community when these activities are not budgeted in my time. Call me crazy, but I couldn't get it out of my head that I would feel horrible and terribly awkward driving down and parking in this part of the Bronx where they cant afford a car at all, as I am driving a car that costs more than their yearly wadges. I drive a nice car- I shouldn't be ashamed of that, after all, my husband and I work very hard to make good money and live right and if we want to drive a nicer, newer car, we should feel comfortable doing so. But in this setting, no matter what you tell me, I will not feel comfortable and this was a huge deterrent to me for going to the community fair.
Long story short, another girl in a community outreach position went to the fair to man the table and represent our work and we provided her with some nutritional handouts in English and Spanish for her to distribute. The fair was located in an open plot, like a make-shift courtyard between two apartment buildings. This young girl was at her table less than one hour when someone from a window in an apartment above dropped down one dozen eggs on top of her head. She, covered in sticky, messy eggs, left the fair without words to describe her disgust when we saw her the next day.
That is the kind of person who slides the wedding band from the Alzheimer's patient. That is the kind of person who rapes their own daughter and gets her pregnant twice. And that is the kind of person who drains our society, and to whom advice about 5 fruits and vegetables a day would probably not illicit a lifestyle change. I do want to help, but I cant harm myself while helping. And, I hope I am not wrong, I believe that it is beyond my scope at this juncture to be of use.

Be Where you are




As I sing you to sleep,


I am missing holding your small body.


I haven't been a parent long,


but long enough to know


you grow too quick.


As I try to keep our dinner time under control


I am hating myself for not letting you


laugh and squeal and scream with happiness.


I am relatively young,


but old enough to know


innocent bliss doesn't last forever.


As I hustle you out of the house with me


and feel my patience dwindle


I know I don't have the time now-


but someday,


I will have all the time in the world


and I wont have you to share it with.








Each day I try to savor you. Each day I remind myself how precious each moment is. And as I foresee your growth I realize it is coming and the present is going and nothing like parenting can teach you the importance of being where you are. Unfortunately we realize this in retrospect. My daughter is 40 inches tall. She came out of me 21 3/8th inches long. By five she will have doubled her length - and that is slow compared to so many other aspects of her development. I guess this is why that Duggar family on TV has like 18 kids - the growth, the doubling and your job will never end. There certainly is a limit to my patience as a mother and I want to do a good job so 18 would not suit me well. I suppose I reflect on them because I love them so much and by the nature of it, my love must change again and again as they grow. And I love them more and more and more...

Friday, May 28, 2010

Book Review




I recently read an excellent book about a women with Alzheimer's disease. This novel hit me on so many levels, first because I have worked in nursing homes with Alzheimer's units for several years and seen this terrible disease manifest, and second because I have a dear friend who's mother has early onset Alzheimer's disease. After reading this, I wanted everyone, especially those I work with to read it too. I wrote the following book review that was distributed at my work and published in a local paper.


The novel Still Alice by Lisa Genova was real and was profound. It was so real that it both haunted me and made me grateful. The New York Times Bestseller is a novel chronicling a well-educated women with early-onset Alzheimer's Disease and it illustrates so touchingly how it might feel to be her. For anyone who has been touched by this disease, or like me who works with many adults afflicted by this disease, this is a must-read. Originally inspired by her grandmother's trial with Alzheimer's, the doctorate level Neuroscience trained author embarked on a journey into the mind of amyloid plaques and killed off neurons.


Alice Howland, the main character, was a professor at Harvard who prided herself on her renowned research, sought after ease with speaking at world-wide conferences, and inspiring daily lectures at the University. When she began to find that she was at a loss for the correct word to complete her thoughts in regular conversation, or that she had forgotten to return an important email, she wondered what might be plaguing her mind so unusually. Early on in the novel, Dr. Howland went for her daily run through her stomping ground of Harvard Yard and she became anxious and confused. After years of habitual, effortless strides, she did not know which direction would lead her home. This frightful experience that seemed to have no logical excuse brought her to seek the wisdom of her physician. And this visit unleashed the cascade of questioning that led to her diagnosis of exclusion... Alzheimer's.


When reading this novel, I felt so deeply for the character, for her humiliation, simplicity, and her innocence with uncertainty.I felt scared for my self and for my loved ones. When reading this novel, each line ran into the next, disease progression continued, and my eyes and mind bore into the life of Alice Howland.


A diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's disease is terrifying and terminal, and when Alice was diagnosed in a place of sound mind, she was left with the picture of her future. Should she set up a ritualistic quiz for herself so as to monitor her cognition? And with these answers, make a decision about her life when it comes to a point when it is no longer a pleasure to live? Should she tell her family about the genetic relationship of the disease that may possibly affect her children? When will she stop recognizing her husband?




Amazingly, each and every line of the praise and comments touted on the covers and pages of the book mimic my full-bodied enthusiasm for sharing with everyone and anyone. These pages will not leave you untouched. This is a quick read for the compassionate, an informative journey for the inquisitive and a mindset changing story for the helpless, heartfelt reader who will only benefit from this new perspective of awareness that only Still Alice can deliver.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Parenthood

I have been watching a show called 'Parenthood' lately and I enjoy it very much. You know why? Because parenting is very hard, and to know that other people find it very hard is quite comforting. To see other people having an easy, enjoyable time of parenthood makes me feel as if I am missing out on something, and to see other people struggling with difficult situations makes me feel very fortunate. I suppose I need to be reminded of these emotions to keep my life in check and in balance.
I know my life is not easy many times but this is the way I choose to live my life. And my life is easy to deal with knowing that I live out my own decisions that I made up my mind about. It is important to acknowledge all the emotions that come along with difficult situations and I believe all these feelings are normal to have.
I am very proud to be a women. And I am very proud to be a mother. Sometimes I say to myself I wish I were a man, but quickly retract that though knowing that no matter how much easier it seems to be a man, being a women and a mother is something truly amazing that I wouldn't trade for anything. Being a women in and of itself is profound. And adding mother on to that makes tremendous sense!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Work

So things are evolving in my life I suppose. Tom has been wanting to go back to work, since he left I guess, and after all the arrangements and interviews he has started this week at a part time job in Louisiana again (not the same place we lived before). This means that one week he is there and one week he is here. A close friend of his will do the same and they will alternate weeks to give full coverage to the hospital. His friend will start there full time in July and his family is moving there. The hospital hopes we do the same and our decisions are a bit complicated, but will be based upon Tommy's health mostly- I am up for doing whatever is best for my family.
So anyway, week one of this is almost done and it has gone well for both of us. I guess it just makes me think I need a new job - I really don't need to drive almost an hour into the city to work full time especially when Tommy is pulling in a nice chunk of change with this new job- I just need to maintain good health insurance. I have kept my eyes open for a desirable opportunity - so far I pursued a full time job 2 min from our house and a part time job 25 min from our house ( bear in mind, this 22.5 hour one it is near all the things of food and shopping that I love :) The part time job is a really great out patient counseling position that would be a wonderful move career wise and the other is more management and acute care which is good experience as well. We'll see...
I also come to find out the facility I work at now has decided to terminate the contract with the food service company that I am employed by. If they are set on this despite my company's negotiation tactics, I will be either out of a job or relocated in 6 months. So I guess I don't feel so guilty for looking around for another job! Oh well, this is the economic climate these days especially in health care. It is really no fault of the team I work with it is financial and will be decided upon with our district management and the administration of the facility.

I have worked at this job over a year and it is very thought provoking for me to think about the first few months I was there - it was difficult because my kids got sick very often - Marco was sick it seemed every three weeks from April to November - it all got much better after that point, and it is easier now. I was still breastfeeding him then and pumping at work and Marco didn't want to drink any milk at day care... then Gabby would give me a hard time when I picked her up and didn't want to go home... but we made it through that and we are still kicking! Congrats to me, I say! Both of my kids love going there and I am happy with the choice I made in this home day care. Whatever happens with this job now, I know I will definitely take a way some very dear friends from this place.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Work Politics

So I passed my certification exam and I asked my big boss for a merit raise. He was quite discouraging in his response explaining budget reasons but I also realized that he doesn't have a clue what I do within his department. Nevertheless, I gave him my request and I waited.
It is the culture where I work to go straight up to the top if you have a problem that you can't resolve or if you perceive that something is unfair. In most cases, people will go straight up without trying to resolve something on their level with their manager.
The one experience I have with this method of trying to get what I want is when the facility was having their regular blood drive. I advocated to have a bone marrow donor drive concurrent with the blood drive and this was executed at the cost of $25 per added donor. When I asked the drive organizer again at the next scheduled blood drive she said no because the cost of the donors (we turned out 6 at $25 each) came out of her budget and they couldn't afford it again. I looked for funding from donor web sites with no avail, so then I decided that I would organize a bake sale to raise the funding because it was not an astronomical amount to come up with. So I brainstormed with another employee who organizes bake sales and other sales, and I made up a cute flyer to promote my bake sale. After having done my homework, I went up to the assistant administrator with my flyer and presented my idea to him and asked if and where I could have the sale. His response without hesitation was that they will pay for it! No need for a bake sale [you silly little girl scout] . I was very pleased and although I understand budget constraints, it is a small amount of money for a good cause that they really should cover. (Plus it makes them look good in the community which is where their potential business is). So anyway, me going pretty close to the top in this situation worked for me :)
So one day, I hear that an aide from my department went to my big boss, the department head, because she thought her schedule was unfair. Despite her not taking up this issue with the supervisor who made the schedule, he took it seriously and gave it sufficient attention. So I decided that this type of performance is what gets attention and action and if that is what works for my big boss, I can play that game too. I sat on my request for a raise for 2 months with not too much care from anyone beyond initially so I decided I waited long enough. I wrote my big boss a well-written letter with a threatening undertone about how valuable I am, how efficiently I work and how I believe that at the least I should have the cost of the exam, $350 reimbursed to me promptly. I briefly brought up the possibility that he may not know what I do on the clinical side of the food service department since he is culinary trained...all the more reason to take my word for it that I am important :) I closed my letter by saying that I hope he doesn't view me as a disgruntled employee but as a firm advocate of myself :) So I kind of let my balls hang down and guess what happened? Big boss apologized for putting my requests aside and in the course of that Thursday and Friday he set up an expense report, signed off on it , had his district manager signed off on it and mailed it off.
I feel very empowered by words and I prefer to use my proficiency of composing a nice letter to my advantage whenever necessary. And although I think people should act because it is the right thing to do, this is not reality and many people act to try to prove something or because they are threatened. My direct boss is a wonderful person but she lacks a set of balls so I cant rely on her to advocate for me too much. I am pleased with my letter and the outcome of it and I will be pleased when I receive my check for $350 as well.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Discretion

I have decided to anonymously blog my thoughts on the infinitely expansive World Wide Web and even alter details to confound my immediate identity but I still use discretion in what I write. And I have realized that in life, I can’t think of anyone who lacks some amount of discretion. Think of someone like Ann Coulter who probably has become well known because of her lack of discretion and expressing her opinion – I bet you she exercises discretion if it benefits her selfishly – to maintain appointments, ratings, network or publisher mandates…something. Conan O’Brien was just booted off the tonight show by NBC and he made his thoughts about this known on some of the final shows. But on his very last episode, you could see that he changed his tone a bit. He left viewers with a very favorable image of him and this all worked out fantastically for him. After it was announced that he would no longer be in the Tonight Show time slot, his ratings went up incrementally to max out on the day of last show. And when a ton of people are watching, and others like me are listening to the radio updates the next day, he was humble, grateful for opportunities, serious and supposedly honest. He had to pull this experience together to make himself endeared to by the public by showing that bit of shame and disappointment that his show failed and put a positive and humorous twist on it because he knows his career is not likely over. There was a ton of discretion, and we must know in every scenario there is discretion. I never liked him that much, meaning that I never liked his show or thought he was very funny, but there is one thing he said on that last show that I liked very much. He said, “All I ask of you, especially young people, is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.. I’m telling you amazing things will happen”. I agree. This is life, this is reality and although the world may never be totally honest with you, if you work hard and do the right thing, good things will happen to you. And get rid of the idea that you are entitled to anything and appreciated everything. OK, so for a team Leno member, Conan managed to score some points with me and I’m sure I’m not alone in that – good for him!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Pink Slips


I felt very down today - my work laid off 20 people. They held off for all this time without cutting staff, and now medical reimbursement has been cut again in New York so they absolutely could not meet their budget without lay offs. It is a lot of people and it just seems so cruel how these things are done - you tell someone as of today they no longer have a job. Go home. These people had no warning at all and now they have to go home and figure out what to do next. One man had been working there for 40 years! It wasn't based on performance or seniority. My only guess is that they wanted to eliminate certain positions and if you happened to have that unlucky title and be in that unlucky position, you lose. But unfortunately these things become political, and many times personal and I don't believe that every choice was well made and without bias. But that is life - at work, don't complain too much. You will be viewed as a nag and like you cant handle the work load. And make nice with your bosses. Like them or not, they hold the power to help you or hurt you. It is very advantageous to have a good demeanor and even keel temperament (though this wont always save you from misfortune, it sure can help). And lastly, be a bit intimidating. If you are a bit intimidating, for whatever reason, someone may be more afraid to do something to you for fear of your reaction. You may be intimidating because you are very intelligent, you are very serious, possibly unapproachable, or very attractive, or seem to know everyone and have some sort of upper hand at things. And in the back of someone's mind... these things may work in your favor.
I still have a job, and I deserve one, but I sure feel bad for all the others. In my department of 8 managers, one was laid off and I made my guess before this all happened as to the one of use I thought it would be and i was right. I know that ideally, it should have been someone else, but I know reality much better than idealism. Sometimes I have seen these types of things work out as a blessing in disguise, so lets hope that is the case for all 20 of my fellow coworkers.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Work Relationships

I have a friend at my work who is interesting and kind of crazy in a lovely, endearing way. She has a big head of curly black hair that matches her crazy personality. I am sometimes lacking in expression or enthusiasm in my normal temperament so crazy people lend themselves well to me. I have driven her into work on several occasions when she did not have a ride, and in a way I enjoyed my out-of-the-ordinary conversations in the car. She is a bit dramatic but she has a good, honest heart and she is a good person so I like her. He major problem is her son, who seems to think he rules her house and has absolutely no responsibility except to go out and enjoy himself at her expense. My friend is a bit naive because she had never engaged in any teenage, rebellious activities so when she tells me her 18 year old son came home at 3am and a girl slept over with him, I have to give her my realistic opinion of what her "baby" is doing up there with that cute girl in her house. The problem is that she gives him too much, and holds him accountable for nothing- she fills up the gas in his car, she buys him a new cell phone each time he looses his(of course he needs the fanciest one), she pays for his speeding tickets, on and on and he has no job. She feels bad for him, may feel guilty for stuff and can't seem to cut him off and follow through with any threats. Do you know - this kid had a $180 speeding ticket, which of course she left him the money for, and he told her he went to court and paid it. She called up the court to see what happened with the ticket and they told her it was dismissed. So that little brat lied and took her money!
Since I talk to her often about her son and try to advise her objectively, I came to realize that some people can truly hold it together and be effective at work, and then fall apart at home. My crazy friend is a perfect example of this - she is very good at her job (a social worker) - she manages behavior problems and is professional and compliant with all aspects of her job and remains pretty upbeat throughout. But at home she has lost all control of her son and herself. I asked her if she could have a rational conversation with her son without yelling or flying off the handle and she said no. So what you see at work is not necessarily what is carried over into that person's personal life - I think we're all just a level worse at home. So be very afraid of those people who cant even keep it together at work.
Funny enough a new dietitian started where I work and she was coming in real early wearing super cute dresses and quite high heels and was very energetic and enthusiastic - it was great! I thought, wow, we sure did hire a good asset to our team! And if I have ever been that enthusiastic to start a new job, it probably only lasted two weeks. Sure enough, Upbeat Dietitian is coming in at 9 now, wearing flats and sucking down caffeinated beverages because she is now tired like the rest of us! But I must say that the initial impression of the first 1-2 weeks is what sticks with you. You meet someone and decide upon what you think of them. So my brain registered her as "friendly and enthusiastic" and she was not afraid to ask anyone for any information that she may need to help her learn the way and do her job. So even as she is sleepy, not as dressed up, less eye opening make up and revealing a more realistic mood pattern, my first impression still resounds in me. Morale of the story - put it all out there for two weeks even if it is unnatural, so that people who are paying a heightened attention to the new person will take away that good impression forever more. It is hard to unprove someones first impression, so make it a good one!