Birthdays

We celebrated Gabriella's birthday this past weekend and she requested a pink cake with pink frosting, which turned out quite well. I am happy when my kids birthday's are coming up because it is a celebration for me just as much as them. It marks the number of years I have been a mother, I have changed and evolved with them and it marks the number of years they have grown into themselves with their parents assistance. Having children is amazing, but not as amazing as living as a mother. I can say that during the time I found out I was pregnant, I didn't really want to have a child, but I guess someone else had other plans for me. I did believe I may have come to the decision to have a child at some point because it seemed to be a huge part of life and being a woman that I wanted to experience and challenge myself with. But I guess that is the whole thing - we don't always know what will happen for us, but when things happen we have to embrace them and mold ourselves into the person who will handle them. And after having been a mother, that is true that it is a challenge and an experience and it is an amazing thing that a person can make and do. My children are a piece of me and they are reliant upon me for so long that it is thoroughly amazing when they do things for themselves and become less of me and more of them. To be a mother becomes more and more worth it each day that goes on. If it is at all possible to love someone more everyday, it is true of my children. And if you found the right spouse, it is true of him or her just the same. And I can say now after having been given the precious gift of healthy, beautiful, amazing children that for me,I would have been missing something phenom anal, to say the least, if I chose not to have children.

The world beyond me

I have seen my very clingy infant become more confident and independent -(although still 75% dependant instead of 95%), and my toddler become more independent and opinionated. It seems that they both have realized that there is a world outside of me. I was there all the time, facilitating their interactions, monitoring them and providing only the stimulation that I had or could bring them to. Now they see there is life beyond me, West New York, NJ and our home base. And I, just as much, have realized there is something more to my world beyond them. I can help people, I can comfort people, I can develop social and professional relationships, I can drive with the music loud, I can run outside and enjoy that feeling of limitless freedom that running can give me, and I am so valuable that someone wants to pay me and give me health care, to be me! And still, I am so needed when I arrive back home, that my infant hugs me, crawls to me, and my toddler calls for mama and runs to me (at home, or after 6 o'clock at day care). It has been a nice realization for all of us, and I think we have all blossomed as individuals in our own way. I like working and I like that I now can let go of the desire to rush back to my kids right after work and allow myself to enjoy exercise. Maybe God made Gabby flip out before 6pm so that I can be a well-rounded, more fulfilled mama, or so that my husband can take on another important role in their day. Who knows, but I still know my kids better than anyone, and we are all pretty darn happy.

Evening Routine

Work is still going really well. My one complaint so far is that if I get back to pick up my babies before about 6:00 or so, Gabby doesn't seem to want to see me. My thoughts without psychoanalyzing this is that she doesn't want to see me because when it's too early her friends haven't left yet. Her favorite friend leaves at 6, so I think she is ready to come home then. But I have to tell you, she puts up a major fuss when I try to pick her up early, and it is exhausting for me to deal with. I have had to literally drag her out of the place because she was having an all out throw down because she didn't want to leave - so I hold Marc in one arm and pull Gabby out kicking and screaming with the other- and it is not fun. Especially when I am excited to see them and excited to get back home at an early hour. Marc shares this excitement with me, but not Gabby.

I really had enough of this display by my daughter when I pick her up so on Wednesday when I got out early, I took my iPod and my sneakers and went for a run out and around my work- it was 68-70 degrees, sunny, breezy and wonderful. I had to give up something that was an important and enjoyable part of my life when I started working, and I had to majorly modify it in general when I had kids- so if my chick doesn't want to see me early, I will work out after work, regain that part of my life and have an enjoyable reunion everyday when I pick them up. I used to run so much, all over the place. I developed a relationship with all the locations in which I have lived by running there, because I am able to do while being driven by the wonderful endorphins that flow through me is to observe my surroundings. The trains, the buses, the cars the people, the stores, the garbage, the buildings, houses and the water. All these things become my friends and I endear to them all - I have never disliked any area that I have ran through.

Yes, Marc would like to see me earlier, but I'll be a nicer mother to both of them if everyone is nice to me. So Wednesday went well after my run, and Thursday it was raining and I didn't get out early enough to do that much so I went to get them and I said to my self, "I hope she goes easily". And she didn't. I and I have to admit, I was exhausted from this, not because of work but because I anticipated this reaction and it is so difficult. So I have this emotion that wants to just clock her sometimes, but since I can't do that, it had to get it out somehow, so I started to cry. We all sat in the car while I finished crying for about 2 minutes. Gaby was screaming saying "don't put me in the car seat" repeatedly, I was crying with my hand over my face so anyone else picking up their kid didn't think I was some mentally unstable mom who needs a referral, and Marc was nicely strapped in his seat looking at us like we were all nuts, "why is my sister screaming, I am happy to see mama. My car seat is nice too - it's like a gentle sedative. Why is mama sad? She was just smiling and hugging me." So anyway, I composed myself, went back and got her in her car seat and went home.

I called a women from the church group I used to go to who's opinion I value very much and she told me about a book to help parents communicate with their kids and to get out of them what they are thinking and feeling. So I ordered it online. I am open to anything that helps me learn and helps me be a better parent. But she said something so simple that we all learn in any counseling course, to say "that must be hard for you". Sometimes we hear too many suggestions to help the situation but all you want sometimes is for someone to acknowledge that it is hard for you. In that, I feel that 1. she understands what I am going through, 2. she agrees that it is hard, I know it is because I am the one doing it, but it is nice to know someone feels my pain 3. reminds me that in doing something hard and succeeding, which I am, I am pretty good :)
The woman from my church told me before I started working that my kids will likely be mad at me and seem as if they like their care givers more than me. Now I don't mind that they like their care givers - I think they should, but I do mind if they are mean to me. She thought Gabby's reaction is because she is angry with me because I left her, she doesn't understand why but knows that I was the one that did it. But when I told her about the difference between 5pm and 6pm, she agreed with my hypothesis about Gabby and her friends. When my husband picks them up, early or not, they are both happy. He thinks the different reaction is because it is a novelty to see him. He suggested that I come home to run where it is a bit safer and he can go pick them up. This works out great for me - he gets to have some happy times alone with them, I get to decompress before the little people take over the joint.

So anyway, my trial at this time, after 4 weeks of work, is figuring out the best way to keep everyone the happiest between the hours of 5 and 6, or just rambling on until time runs its course and everyone is happy on their own despite my new dreamed up arrangements.

Marley & Me

I watched Marley and Me last nite with my hubby and I had to laugh hysterically at one scene where Jenifer Anisten was losing her mind and overwhelmed at the dog and her life at that moment. I laughed because it reminded me of me, and Thomas said he didn't know that I was acting in this movie.
When I was 6 months pregnant with Gabby, Tom and I stopped in a pet store and looked at the puppies. One thing led to another and $500 later, Marie was ours. Marie was absolutely adorable and 4 months old at the time. We house trained her and like a two year old, she never quite got it fully. She would have accidents in the house, chewed and scratched stuff, and she had abundant energy. She'd jump on everyone and we couldn't let her off the leash much because she would run off. When she was on the leash, she didn't heel very well and a walk with her wasn't as pleasant as it could be. (Although having a 14lbs dog pull you is better than having Marley pull you) She cuddled up so sweet and circled her self into a tight ball and slept on you or right next to you when ever possible. Since I liked having her warm little self near me, we let her sleep in the bed with us - I know Tom was begrudging about this, but he let it go. He would kick her off the bed periodically through the nite because she annoyed him and I don't think he wanted her there at all to begin with. So this continued on with Marie upstairs until she peed on the Tempur Pedic mattress. I called the company and they said to absorb it with paper towels and something else that I don't remember and I pushed paper towels into the bed for hours that day.

See, I could tolerate Marie and all the annoying work-creating things that she'd do until I had Gabriella. For Gabby sucked up all the patience stores that I had left and there was nothing for Marie and everything she did drove me far crazier with a baby to care for than ever before. I had patience before I had kids. I had to have gates up for the dog and gates up for the kid. I had to pick up crumbs and vacuum hair for the baby and I had to pick up toys, socks and shoes for the dog. Marie would bark incessantly when any stranger would be in the house so I couldn't have anyone over because I didn't have patience for the barking violating my eardrums. We kept her in a crate to sleep and parts of the day because she would make too many problems out free in the house. I felt guilty for keeping her in a cage especially because the other dog lived like a princess in the house. Yet, I didn't have it in me to monitor the dog and the baby.

The smell of pee is gross to me and dog pee is even more putrid. One day I found Gabby's toy chewed up next to where she just peed in the house and my daughter nearly crawled in it. So I opened up our door and said good bye. Of course Tom and I went out to pluck her out of the neighbors yard 5 minutes later, but that was enough time for her to drop a load there. This was the first time we met and spoke with our new neighbor after we moved to Tennessee- he told us not to let our dog poop on his lawn. Tom got upset with me for letting her fly out the door, but I told him that Marie was better off running free in the neighborhood than to be subject to what I wanted to do to her after her stunt in the house.
Jennifer Anisten said she has had enough and the dog had to go. I remember saying that a couple times, and the last time I was very serious. I googled animal rescues and rat terrier rescues because I NEEDED her gone. I figured I had limitations now with a toddler and one on the way and this dog far surpassed what I was capable of pleasantly dealing with. We had another dog, keep in mind. So this is two dogs and in a couple short months, two kids. So anyway, my husband heard my concerns and actually found a woman he worked with that wanted to take Marie. They fell in love and Marie is happy....
Well, one year later, new-lady-from-work had enough of Marie. I guess she bit her grandson and that was her breaking point. So now Marie has been turned over to another foster mama that this lady works with. And Marie and new-lady-from-work's-friend are in love and happy.

I laughed at this scene in the movie because having a dog is like having a kid. And having an unruly dog is like have a crazy 18 month old. And having two dogs, one 18 month old and being pregnant anticipating the lack of sleep and stress, I did believe that I would be more peaceful with out the dog. There were many times I felt like I wanted to whack this little dog and I really didn't want my daughter to see me physically hit an animal let alone the fact that I didn't even want her to see me lose control and scream at the dog. The dog needed someone better than me and more patient than me and my daughter and son need me to have more patience too. But one thing I wouldn't do was leave her off somewhere on the street, dump her in a shelter or put her to sleep. I care for the dog because I cared for her since she was young and she is a living thing that deserves rights. I looked up the rescue agencies in the moment of frustration but that is why you don't act on impulse. My husband reminded me that the rescue agencies were not the right route to take and assured me he would find a good home for her. And he did- he is really my voice of reason and such a sound judge.
So my family now is my nearly three year old girl, nearly one year old boy and nearly 9 year old dog, minus 2 1/2 year old Marie.

Morning prayer at work

I work in a catholic health care facility and because of that I am reminded of the faith that brought about the values of the organization. I am reminded not because everyone working there is catholic or acts like a good christian, but because there are crosses and saints hanging on the wall, there is a daily prayer announced every morning, and there are still a few sisters in administration that I see in the hall. I try to embody these values (that are not necessarily catholic, just emphasizing doing the right thing) when I am at work and am happy that the organization encourages all the employees to embrace them too. In thinking of how I can remind myself everyday to uphold a high level of respect for those patients and residents that I care for, I wrote myself a morning prayer.

Please carry me through this day

so that I feel calm, accomplished

and optimally rewarded at the days end.

Remind me that I work in

someone's home and

help me to act accordingly.

Help them to feel at home,

and help us to anticipated their needs.

Also, grant me the knowledge

and embody yourself in me today,

so that I can care for those

who cannot speak for themselves.

All of us have conflicts and concerns

to deal with outside of our work.

Help me to put them aside so

that I may be present in my work

and take on only the concerns of this moment.

If my work is interrupted

help me to handle myself

with grace.

Please give me the patience

to deal with difficult situations

and remain positive and controlled

through unfairness.

Allow me to turn my eyes to the window today.

As I take in the view and the

beautiful skyline, remind me that I am blessed-

Beauty is ubiquitous, and you are here.

And remind me regularly

that those who I care for now

were once in my shoes -

they were parents, spouses, employees and they struggled.

Today, they deserve my most graceful self

to care for them

in their home.