Faith

A friend of mine told me of a group she goes to in which the ladies sit together to discuss a bible reading they completed. Now hearing about this type of bible reading group, or bible study, my first reaction is that this is not for me because I am not the most devout religious person and I have never really read the bible. I do not know who wrote the bible and it seems strange to me to live by a book with an unknown author that is so old that its literal relevance seems minimal to us today. So that is reaction one. Then, this friend tells me again to come to the bible group and throws in the piece about your kids being watched by wonderful volunteers who will even engage them in a bible lesson. OK, so reaction two is a little more favorable....hmm.... maybe I should try that. I will tell you I would not have taken my novice, bible-ignorant self to a bible study if they did not watch my kids 5 feet away from me. But I follow where I believe faith is taking me, and I think that maybe I was meant to come upon this bible study. Maybe I would benefit from some extra doses of peaceful faith at this point. And faith is really the key word I have found thus far. These biblical characters act in ways that are greatly influenced by their faith, or lack of faith, in the Lord. Religion is ALL around you and you can easily choose to ignore it. I heard someone say that you have to seek out your faith and devotion because it is not going to come to you. He said, "Devotion is sticking with something even though it is easier not to".

Faith and devotion is scary though. If you have faith it is comforting to know that someone else has a plan and is in control. But it is scary to know you are not. Weather you call it faith in a higher power, or a conscience, it helps to make us better people. And even if I admittedly joined a bible study because I would have two hours away from my kids....
Well, not completely :) I chose to try it out because 1. I would have two hours away from my kids in a trusted place a few steps from them 2. They will learn about the Lord and have faith in their life (and since I am not an all-consuming verbally faithful person, I am very enthusiastic to give them this opportunity to have faith in their life because all in all, I don't think I include it enough day to day for them to realize how important it is) 3. I like to learn and read and what better book to flip open than the most widely read book ever 4. Maybe I can make some connections and friends with just people.
So I am joking about trading the bible for a babysitter, number 2 is probably my top reason for going, but maybe the Lord had to come visit me in my stay-at-home-mom-being-driven-crazy-some-days-by-my-little-kids-my-husband-has-cancer world for me to pay attention!

My Roller Coaster

In our situation, I don't know if it's because of cancer or we lead a particularly complicated life, but this life is like a roller coaster. Once you become comfortable with a situation, it will change and life will throw us a curve ball. It is as if we have to be in a defensive stance...waiting...scaning the scene...on your toes. I remember when I used to play basketball, the coaches would tell you to look at the offensive players mid-section when you were on defense. The player may fake you out with their head, or feet, but when that mid-section moves, they are moving too. I guess our "mid-section" is the ultimate treatment, and life afterward. And we may flinch, as is a natural reaction, to the things that get thrown at us, but we have to just keep our eyes on the mid-section. And in regards to the roller coaster, I think my husband is very brave and I love him for everything he does do and doesn't do.
I wrote another poem in which I wrote about our life feeling like a roller coaster sometimes. When you are on a roller coaster, the environment speeds around you, whipping you around turns and inclines, but in your vision, the person sitting next to you is still...because they are moving with you. We are on a roller coaster in a four-person-seat. And no matter how we are tossed around, metaphorically, we are together and the most important images remain still in relation to us.

Magical Metaphors

I often find myself thinking over words and how they may be a metaphor for a larger situation, as if they are a Freudian slip. And I love to find this deeper meaning in everyday things because it makes the world a limitlessly interesting place. There are two recent things that I can think of that are examples of what I am talking about.

I was sitting on the bed and my husband crashed down on the bed and sighed saying, "Aahhhh life" and rubbed his face with his hands. I then said to him, "you don't like life"? And he responded by saying, "it just gets annoying sometimes" and after a pause he smirked and said, "and it sticks to the bowl when your done". I smiled and let my mind wander....
I picture a bowl with the crusty cereal stuck and dried onto the sides and I think of this scenario like life itself - when we are done with our life we aren't gone, but we leave things behind, the good we've done, the people we've impacted, our career's work, our children- and like Life cereal, we stick to the side of the big bowl we existed in. Even still, we stick to the sides of the bowl way before our life is done and that is something that makes life taste good ;)

The second example is when we first moved back up to New Jersey, I put many of my framed photos on top of some shelves we have in the living room, partly because I didn't know where to put them and partly because I know my daughter likes looking at the pictures and rearranging them. Well, of course she rearranged too many times, pretended they were either serving plates or pieces of cake, and proceeded to brake one too many frames that I had enough and took them away. And as any mother knows, or any person in a frustrated moment, when you do something hastily, you may not execute the chore completely. So I cleared all the frames away except one which was pushed back far enough that she couldn't get it, and it stood there with a glass sculpture we had. So what was once a very busy, cluttered shelf top, was now bare with the exception of these two unintentionally placed items. I looked upon it a following day and jotted this poem down:

She took everything away
without plan or regard
as two year olds do
leaving a sculpture of a glass hand
holding a wounded bird
and a picture of you
and me.

When I look upon the
shelving top
the ill-placed items
remaining haunt me as if
they stand for a reason.

Are we wounded?
Am I holding you
or you me?
Or is this little magical
two year old telling us
"you are hurting, but
you are resting in His hand".




.....I love the magic of life complimented by the magic of youth.

Texting

I have realized how important my friends are to me, and further, the more you put into your friendships the more you get out of them. There are so many types of friends and sometimes I get annoyed that a friend is lacking a certain quality. But if you are missing one thing, you probably have a good quality someone else does not. This is the same idea as with men - one man isn't going to have all good qualities, and you must decide if your man has the best of the bad qualities or possesses the important good qualities.
As for my friends, I have one great friend who I know is there for me, makes a point to travel to me and visit, and knows a ton about me, but I wish we spoke more in between our visits. She once said she didn't like to talk on the phone which is probably the main barrier, but I notice she has trigger happy fingers with the text messaging. So, I have evolved, but I used to be annoyed by text messaging because I wonder why a person cant pick up the phone and talk. I may send a text message if I want to say something but not get into a conversation. Is that what others think of me? They don't want to talk to me, they just want me to hear one thing, or know they remembered one thing but cant bear to be subject to my other unrelated words? (I'm being sarcastic, but truthful) But I guess now that I have a toddler and a little baby who have collectively turned up the volume in my house, I appreciate the text message because I can communicate with out me and my listener being thoroughly distracted by my kids. I can now begin my sentence, change a diaper, wash my hands, hand out a cracker, continue my sentence, stop to pour a cup of milk, finish my sentence, stop to nurse the baby and burp him while pushing 'send'. Nice, huh? So what technology once annoyed me and made me believe the basis of conversation and connection was being further degraded is actually helping me and I'm embracing it.

Sick babies

Little Marc recently and suddenly got sick in his car seat. He vommited and had diarrhea on Friday which precipitated the rest of the family to enjoy this virus this past weekend. I got sick Saturday nite and Gabby woke up screaming a few hours later after having vomited in her bed. My husband and I woke up at least hourly with her all night as she continued to be sick. It was heart wrenching to see a little person vomit and it occurred to me that she didn't know how to do it. I had to kind of coach her. It reminds me how many things we take for granted that we know how to do and how much has to be learned, and learned by experience. Throughout this whole virus, she has been a better patient than I have ever confronted. She must have been so uncomfortable, crampy, feverish, chilly and utterly crappy feeling but she barely complained and didn't cry or fuss. She actually was very sweet and cuddly. And though I would never wish this upon my kids, because I was sick it made it easier to deal with them because they were sick too making them are less active.
So this is my first experience with a major virus in my kids and it has gotten better day by day. Needless to say, we wont be attending any activities this week because it is not necessary to risk getting anyone else sick with this. And I like to do what I hope other parents would do.